Totally unconfirmed reports from a dubious and non-existent source in the Chicagoland area indicate that the Summit League will cease to exist immediately.
Oakland University has taken its ball and gone (closer to) home to the Horizon League.
Indiana University, Purdue University Fort Wayne has discontinued all athletic programs and will offer only courses in Mastodon Mating and Harrison Ford Archaeology Movie Research.
Indiana University, Purdue University, Indianapolis has been purchased by the privately-funded Palindromic Institute of Indianapolis Proper. The school will still offer athletic scholarships but only if your name is Bob or Otto or Franz Znarf and will only compete against California Polytechnic State University School of Portugese Craftsmen and, just for laughs, Quinnipiac.
The University of Denver has released a two-word statement saying only "Our bad." An official who did not want to be indentified because he does not exist confirms that DU will renege on its committment to the Summit and go back to the WAC and then probably reverse course and re-join the Sun Belt Conference before deciding to just go back to their room to watch "Miracle" and "Slap Shot" and "Ice Dancing With the Stars" with a reminder to text them if you're gonna go out later but they will probably just stay in and chill.
The University of Nebraska-Omaha has been forced to remove any reference or inference that the school actually resides in the state of Nebraska. That according to a blogger named Ozbrn4Prez on the GoBigRedWeAreTheOnlyRealD1InNebraska fan board. In response, Rural Western Southern Dakota Iowa Community College (formerly UNO) will drop basketball and hockey and in a brazen act of defiance, add a lingerie football program. When notified by the Summit that the league does not sponsor such a sport, RWSDICC officials replied, "So what" and asked what it would take to buy out of the league, noting that whatever it is would be chump change because enrollment is going to skyrocket and this lingerie thing "is gonna make money, make money, make money, yeeeeah."
When informed of the move made by RWSDICC, officials at North Dakota State reminded anybody who would listen that they already have a really good football team that wears actual uniforms that has won the national championship for like, 9 years in a row so put that in your megaphone and puff on it, OK? NDSU also announced that the football program would be joining NFL Europe if it still exists and that all other programs will join the B1G and would probably demolish everybody in that league, too, so so long Summit!
When reached for comment on the NDSU move, South Dakota State administrators said they were too busy to worry about that right now because they are in deep discussions about putting a dome over the entire city of Brookings so they can get some damn games played. "We will build this track place and put a dome over that and then one over the whole campus and then one over the town and maybe a really huge one over the whole county. Redundancy, man. That's what we need. Back up plans and stuff. It's gonna be like Fargo around here. No... sorry... not Fargo. Like Fort Myers or wherever that Florida Gulf Coast place is. 72 degrees and fluorescently sunny year round! And by the way, we are leaving the Summit League and joining the Southwestern Athletic Conference with other schools of similar vision and climate."
Upon learning of those plans, University of South Dakota trustees said, "Well, that is what we are doing, too." (Too easy?)
So thanks for the memories Summit Association of Mid-Continent Universities League. It's been a good run. And to all outgoing members, using the standard Human Resources line when somebody gets fired or quits... we wish you the best in your future endeavors.
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